Today is day 20 of my hospitalisation leave and I'm now 13W3D. I've been on complete bed rest for a full 7 days.
I know what I'm going to say is a bad thought until reality actually hits me. You can call it karma or say I deserve it. I've had 2 healthy pregnancy (except for 1 episode of early miscarriage in 2016) and had always envied those mums-to-be who needed bed rest or hospitalisation leave just because they can get off work. Never had I thought high risk pregnancy will really happen to me for my 3rd pregnancy.
I've had a difficult 1st trimester with threatened miscarriage scare. My morning sickness that started at week 5 was truly bad - extreme fatigue, loss of appetite, feeling nauseated all day, constipation - you name it. I was amazed by how I could still cope with work at that time. Well, I did steal a couple of hours of napping but still get work done and attend godly hours of conference calls with time zones that didn't make sense. I wanted to change job and gave myself a timeline to quit my job because while the pay is good, the work stress is just not benefiting my health.
The Unexpected Bleeding
I still remember clearly that day at 10W5D. It was the start of a long weekend for many Singaporeans due to the Lunar New Year. When I woke up, I got into my training attire and started practising the choreography for my Zumba class. I felt pumped up as I trained and was really excited to resume my class. Afterall, it has been almost a year since I teach because of covid. I stopped after 30 minutes and went to shower.
My firstborn pestered me to play PS4 with him and so I did. Everything was normal and my husband joined too. We were planning about what to get for lunch and suddenly, I felt something leaking in my underpants. I was like, "Ok great, I just peed in my pants" and my husband was laughing about it.
I went to the bathroom to get it checked. My pantyliner was soaked with colorless liquid. I thought okay that was strange because I leaked before partly due to weak pelvic muscle after my 2nd pregnancy but never this much. I cleaned up and changed into a fresh pantyliner.
I felt tired and lied down on the couch as my husband got ready with the kids to buy lunch at McDonalds. I didn't feel good about the leak and thoughts ran wild as I turned to Google and forums for similar encounters. I even texted the Telegram group that I was in to ask if anyone had similar experience. Shortly after, I felt another gush of liquid. Immediately, I walked to my bathroom and that was when it all started. Every step I took, gushes of liquid kept flowing out of my vagina. I knew something bad was happening when I saw blood started trickling down my legs. It was like a horrible miscarriage scene you would see on a TV screen. True enough, the moment I removed my underpants, I saw alot of fresh blood.
Oh God, oh God, I panicked and started crying. I couldn't stop the blood from leaking underneath me. I was already crying uncontrollably by that time thinking that I had lost my baby. I put on a pad and called my husband frantically.
It didn't take long for husband to reach home. He saw the soaked panties and we quickly got ready to go to KKH after texting my gynae. Throughout the journey, I couldn't help feeling distraught and kept thinking I had lost my baby. I continued to leak all the way to the hospital.
The waiting time seems like forever. I was put on bed rest while waiting for my number to be called. It was my turn and the doctor had to do a vaginal check.
The doctor couldn't find something, she murmurred. Oh dear, I lost it, I thought. Then she did a scan and saw a fetus and strong heartbeat. She called my husband in too and explained that my baby was still there with strong heartbeat. I was confused and asked if I was still having a baby. She said yes and I sobbed uncontrollably.
Doctor explained that I was having threatened miscarriage. That, whatever it is, sounds really scary. My thoughts ran wild about what could happen in the coming days despite seeing my baby healthy and moving on the US screen. Days after the visit to the emergency was torturous. I had to wait for Monday for my US review with my gynae.
Ultrasound Review
Part of me was waiting anxiously for my number to be called while the other part wished that I can skip the review totally. As I looked at other pregnant mums rubbing their big belly, I couldn't help but feel unfair why can't I carry a healthy pregnancy this time round.
Dr Ben could see I was nervous. Knowing the history of what happen in the emergency, he suggested to see the US immediately. On that day, I was still spotting lightly and he did see some old blood. I saw my baby wriggling around my womb through the screen and first question was, Is there any heartbeat?
I was so relieved that my baby is a fighter and alive with strong heartbeat. Dr Ben issued me 2 weeks of HL to rest and advised me to minimise activity. Teaching zumba was out of the question already. I didn't mind, as long as my baby sticks with me, I would do whatever it takes. My next review was in 2 weeks.
Heavy spotting at 11 weeks
Everything went well until 11W4D. My spotting got heavier and I was freaking out. My husband asked me to call my gynae if we could arrange for a review that day.
I was anxious all over again. I recalled it was the same feeling of uncertainty that I had on the day I went to emergency. Dr Ben was worried too as it has been almost a week since the bleeding episode and the spotting should have been cleared by then.
The scan went well until he spotted blood pooling near my placenta. He checked my cervix line and it was still closed. I saw the worry on his face as he explained fhat I have a large area of blood pooling near my placenta and that I had low lying placenta. I wasn't clear what that meant, am I going to miscarry still? My heart dropped when he said I was having a high risk pregnancy and there was nothing much we could do if the bleeding gets heavier. He ordered me to be on bed rest and extended my leave for another 2 weeks.
As I lay on my bed on my first day of bed rest, thoughts about the anguished that I felt from my previous miscarriage came flowing back into my mind. I remembered crying and searching for answers on Google, and crying even more when I see little success stories. It seems like I was having subchorionic hematoma. Listening to surah yasin and maryam helped to calm me down a little but I knew I had to talk to someone. I texted my friend to help me reached out to my ex-schoolmate who had previous episodes of miscarriage.
Emotional support
What helped me lot to get through the scare of seeing my pantyliner stained with brown blood every day was the emotional support I get from the experience shared by my ex-schoolmate. I felt a little more at ease and reminded myself of some of the things she shared:
- our body has a natural defense response if the pregnancy is not viable
- healthy pregnancy is still possible even with constant spotting
- think about my 2 boys who are here and needs my love and attention too
For Muslims, we are often told to redha (accept the fate as it is) and I finally began to understand that. It is not easy to be honest especially seeing that blood stain in every toilet trip. I tried what I can do.
So far, my spotting has reduced but my back ached alot from the bed rest. I've had a couple of days where there was zero stain and then the following day, the spotting started all over again. I still cry silently and talk to my baby, wondering if it is still alive. On some days, I feel positive that I'm carrying a healthy baby but on some days, I feel defeated and told myself to brace up for anything negative that is going to happen. My next review is next Tuesday and that feels like forever.
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